I knocked and was greeted by a pair of leather boots, dangerous hips, tits that screamed like howler monkeys, and two Latina brown eyes. My guts churned, it was our first date. “Wow, you look great,” stumbled out my slack-jawed mouth. My arms outstretched for the hug, when two Chihuahuas bolted from behind the couch. They yipped and bit at my ankles. I jumped back.
She scooped them up in her arms, “Oh, don’t worry about Paco and Lola, they’re harmless. Want to do a lil’ pre-drinking before we head out?” She towed my hand towards the kitchen. The little rodent’s beady eyes glared at me as I watched her backside move like a two-humped camel in her jeans. She grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with vodka.
“Oh God, Vodka? I swear, every time I drink that stuff something bad happens,” I said. She threw some ice in a glass and laughed.
“Oh come on, don’t be a pussy,” her pouty lips took a sip. “Hey, it’s Wednesday right? This bar down the street has a special, a beer and a shot for five bucks. Want to go?” We finished our drinks, set our glasses down and walked to the bar.
She ordered a Corona and a Tequila shot, I went with whiskey and a Heineken. We got a table outside so she could smoke. Our conversation from that point went something like this-
“Carlos Santana taught my Dad to play the guitar when he lived in Mexico,” She flipped a strand of hair behind her ear. We took a shot, drank a beer.
“Yea, I’m a failed loan officer. I think I’m going into teaching now.” My eyes wandered to her chest. We took a shot, drank a beer.
“I’m taking a sewing class, so I can design clothes for erotic dancers.” She shivered, her nips were stiff as light posts. We took a shot, drank a beer.
“That’s cool, hey, I think I’m pretty…Drunk.” The bar spun like a carousel.
“Yeah, me too…Hey, you wanna, take my shot? I’d hate for it to go to waste.” She handed it to me with a mischievous smile. I took it, and drank my beer. I tried to stand, and bumped the girl behind me. We laughed, intertwined arms, and stumbled back to her place.
We collapsed on the couch. Paco frolicked over us chirping like an annoying bird while Lola sniffed my crotch. I wondered what it smells, I thought. I put my hand on her thigh, we cuddled, and stared mindlessly at some VH1 reality show. I turned my lips to hers, we started making out. My hands explored her body’s dunes, our tongues tied in knots.
She grabbed my hair, “You should probably stay here tonight.”
“That’s probably a good idea,” She took my hand and pulled me to her room.
She flipped on Nick-At-Night, and Zach Morris was busy trying to woo Kelly, while our clothes flung around the room, we crashed into bed. We rolled chest to chest under linen sheets, her knees gripped my hips as if they were a saddle.
“Do you have a condom,” She whispered, her manicured nails sunk into my back.
“Yeah, let me find it.” I grabbed my jeans on the side of the bed and rummaged through the pockets. Loose bills, keys, receipts, gum wrappers, and lint, but no condom.
Where the fuck is it? God I hate these things, I thought. Wearing a condom is like shrink-wrapping your tongue in plastic and eating a Thanksgiving dinner with gravy smothered turkey, a green bean casserole, and mashed potatoes; you can chew it all you want, but you’re never gonna’ taste a bite.
“Hurry!” she bit her lip. I started to sweat, and felt sick. Then right when I was about to break down and lose it, I saw it, lying there on the ground. “Ha,” I grabbed it, tore it open, and jumped to bed. Unfortunately, all the alcohol, pressure, and thoughts of condoms had done the worst thing imaginable. It had put my Chihuahua to sleep.
I thought of all the times he came around like an annoying bald uncle unwelcomed and unexpected. Like the time in gym class while jogging around the track, or seeing that lady lick a stamp at the post office, he even popped up to say “Hello” as I stood in front of the whole church as a groomsman. But now, when I needed him the most, he decided to take a vacation.
He was deflating fast as I struggled to put on the condom, seriously, there’s only two ways it can go in, why is it so difficult, I thought. She watched amused like a young child waiting for a clown to pump the air into a balloon animal. Why won’t she help, I thought. Maybe just a little slap and tickle or better yet, why doesn’t she blow some air back into him herself? But no, she just laid there as sweat dripped from my brow, and I cursed my now wrinkled balloon lying limp and lifeless in my hand.
“Do you need a break,” she said with a smile.
“Um, maybe, well yeah, I guess,” I laid on my side and threw the useless rubber on her floor. I stared silent at the wall for several minutes, she grabbed my shoulder.
“How ya feelin’ cowboy?” she giggled. I turned and looked at her.
“Well, I guess I shouldn’t have drunk so much before the rodeo.” I turned back and faced the wall. Whiskey, I thought, that was the curse that caused so many of my Irish ancestors to lose their wives, their jobs, but worst of all — their boners.
I woke up to nails running down my arm. She grabbed my sleepy serpent – He stirred. Could it be, I thought, The whiskey is wearing thin? I leaned over and kissed her shoulder, I moved my chest against her back. I caught a glimpse of her red thong being swallowed by sweet thick cheeks. His neck stretched. I worked my fingers up to her ear, she moaned. That was all he needed, he leaped up, and flexed his veined-chest like the Hulk.
Then, she looked back at me and said, “Do you have another condom?” I stared at the crumpled rubber lying in Chihuahua fur on her tile floor.
“Uhh, I only brought one.”
“O.K., let me get one.” She started going through her drawers. “Aww there it is,” She pulled it out, my eyes widened, my heart screeched to a halt. Across the golden package was a black inscribed word that struck horror into my modest loins – MAGNUM.
I mouthed the word in slow motion and looked up at her like a puppy, “Umm, you don’t have anything– I don’t know, maybe a little more, snug?”
“Nope, but you’re a big boy, you’ll be fine,” She handed it to me.
“Yeah…Well, I’ll see what I can do.” He’s going to look like a peanut in a sleeping bag, I thought. The condom smoldered in my hand as I put it on. Then, as if things couldn’t get worse, he went into cardiac arrest. I tried to resuscitate him, but he was losing blood fast. She stared at me again, her hands behind her head. I wanted to scream, Can’t you see he’s dying? Give him CPR for Christ sake before he goes back into a coma. Then, a solid beep echoed in my ears, he let out his last breath, he was gone. I had done everything I could.
We both gazed at him. He looked like a broken corn stalk in a field. The Fresh Prince of Bellaire played behind us. Carlton was doing his signature dance, and mouthing Tom Jones “It’s Not Unusual” into a candlestick.
“This has never happened to me before,” I pulled the covers over me and poked my feet out the bottom.
Her smile collapsed, “Maybe you just don’t find me attractive,” she stared into my eyes. I meditated for a moment, searching for the right words.
“No, it’s not that,” I took a deep breath. “I think I’m just allergic to vodka,” I gave her a half-smile and shrugged a shoulder.
She rolled her eyes, “Yea, Uh-huh,” and turned her back to me.
I followed the vertebrae up her back with my eyes, and realized no words could salvage the evening. I glanced down at the Chihuahuas curled up together at the foot of the bed. Paco’s chin rested on Lola’s torso. His beady eyes stared back at me, but this time, his jowls were twisted ever-so slightly into an unsettling grin.
Honest Buzzard 