I used to work with a red head girl everyone called Double D’s. She inherited the nickname after she banged Robert the produce guy on a stack of lettuce boxes in the produce cooler. Double D’s stood for Dirty Dana, she was the store slut.
Dana and I took smoke breaks together on a green bench in front of the store. She would tell me about her wild sex life and I would make up stories about having a wild sex life since I was still a virgin.
“Oh my God, last night was so crazy,” was usually how her stories began. She had just turned twenty-one and was on a mission to sample every bar in San Diego, and apparently every guy.
“So I went to this country bar last night, right? And I met this like really hot cowboy. He had on these tight jeans, and this leather cowboy hat, and we took some shots, and we started square dancing, and anyways, long story short, I ended up in the men’s bathroom giving him a blow job. It was soo crazy.” I had begun to see a pattern emerge at the end of her stories.
“So what about you, have you ever had sex in public?” she twirled her hair and blew a pink bubble with her gum.
“Oh yea, like a bunch of times. I mean, just last week, I did it with this Asian girl from my class on a park bench. It was amazing.” I took a puff on my cigarette and blew a cloud into the air. God, I really need to get laid, I thought.
Later that day, Dana and I were at the same checkout counter bagging groceries. I grabbed a jar of mayonnaise and she put her hand on mine. She looked up at me with flirty blue eyes.
“Hey, meet me back in the ice cream freezer in five minutes,” she said giving my hand an extra squeeze. “Um, yea, O.K.” I said caught off guard. My heart raced. She winked and walked away. Hmm, I wonder if she just wants to tell me that she secretly eats the ice cream back there too…
I looked at the clock, five minutes had passed. Beads of sweat sprouted across my face. Is this really going to be it? Am I really going to lose my virginity in an ice cream freezer? My palms tingled as I thought of everything that could go wrong. What if someone walks in and sees us humping on a stack of Dreyer’s or Ben and Jerry’s? I’ll be fired for sure. Or what if when I drop my pants she laughs? I mean, those subzero temps will probably send my penis running into my stomach. Or worse, what if we freeze together while I’m inside her? I’m sure it happens to Eskimos in the Arctic. I can picture it now, the paramedics standing over us with a high powered blow dryer trying to thaw out my Popsicle.
Ten minutes passed. Should I go?
It could be years before the opportunity knocks again… As I stood there tearing at the corners of a Vons coupon, I decided there’s no way I could go through with it. It was far too risky and, well, I didn’t have the guts. Fifteen minutes later Dana came back shivering and covered with goose bumps. “Where the fuck were you? Her cheeks had changed to cotton candy pink. Geez,
I hope she didn’t get frostbite. I didn’t know what to say. I had talked my suave up so high and now I was being exposed for what I really was – A sex poser.
“Uh, I thought you were joking?” I smiled hoping I could charm her anger away.
“What? Did I look like I was kidding?” She slammed some gallons of milk in the bag.
“Well no, but-“
“I can’t believe I seriously just stood in that fucking freezer for fifteen minutes,” she shook her head and threw the milk in the shopping cart.
“Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t think, I mean, if you still want to go back there…” I stared at her for a second. I had no idea she was going to be this upset.
“No, it’s cool, it was a stupid idea anyways. You’re not even eighteen and, it’s just better this way,” she walked off to help another checker bag groceries. I looked up at a fat old man staring at me through his spectacles.
“Oh, sorry about that, Sir. Did you need any help out with these today?” I looked up at him hoping he wouldn’t chastise me for my lack of ‘customer service’.
“No, that’ll be alright, young man,” He nodded his head, his wrinkled neck wobbled, “Boy, those red heads sure are fiery ain’t they?” He said with a smile.
“Oh yea, at least that one is,” I said.
Double D’s and I went back to our usual smoke breaks within a day or two. She never did offer me a second chance at an ice cream freezer rendezvous, and maybe that was for the best, because a few months later– she got pregnant. And I can’t imagine what I’d have done, if I got stuck with Dirty Dana as my baby’s mama.
Honest Buzzard 